


Scars

by chassangel



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2116221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chassangel/pseuds/chassangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sadness is a leech. One moment and it’s latched on. It begins to drain you. It drains you from the moment of a tragedy, small or big, and continues to grow. It grows until it can constrict around your chest, squeezing until you cannot breathe.</p><p>You cannot move without thinking about it.</p><p>(...)</p><p>Gavin is scarred, emotionally and physically, and he cannot stand the weight of either of them much longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Sadness is a leech. One moment and it’s latched on. It begins to drain you. It drains you from the moment of a tragedy, small or big, and continues to grow. It grows until it can constrict around your chest, squeezing until you cannot breathe.

You cannot move without thinking about it.

Sadness is a cloud. It covers your mind, hiding the optimism around you. It traps you, suffocating you in your mind. Your thoughts become acts of lightning, and you can do nothing but be struck by them.

You cannot hide from your mind.

Sadness is life. It marks your skin, leaving cuts in its wake. But you let the crimson water flow, trailing down your skin, leaving a path. It wasn’t like important blood was spilled. The marks become acts of bravery. Acts of when you choose not to swallow a bottle of pills. But yet…

You cannot deny the scars.

 

* * *

Mad laughter bubbled from inside Gavin, escaping his mouth with shaky gasps. He probably shouldn't have been laughing; after all, he was so close to breaking down.

He was sat huddled up against the cold bathroom wall. Although, his body was completely unaware of the threat that was looming just inches above his skin. He had just gotten his new razor, and decided that after a stressful day at work, his skin needed the release. So, he would allow the dark fluid to flow, just like he had always allowed it to.

Glinting in the artificial light, Gavin rested the tip of the blade against his wrist, applying very little pressure. The sheer contact made shivers trail up his spine, it was a sensation he could—would possibly never get over. It was cold against his warm skin, and it was ready to draw the color he longed for the most. Red.

Gavin slid the blade across his skin, watching as crimson dots began to form across his arm, trailing downwards and dripping onto the tile. The blood was warm on his skin, and was calming him deeply. He didn’t know what was soothing about it, but for some reason it just was.

Just as Gavin made several more cuts down his arm, his phone buzzed in his pocket, shocking him enough to drop the blade. It clattered against the tile, blood falling with it. Gavin stood, blood falling down his arm in some sort of twisted waterfall as he did so. Grabbing a towel, he pressed it into the cuts, then went to answer his phone.

“Hello?” He questioned, with teeth clenched, knowing his voice must sound off. His voice was rough from not having to use it for a few hours, and his arm was now starting to sting. The towel stuck to the drying blood, and every time Gavin moved, it pulled at his skin.

“Hey Gav,” Gavin’s heart dropped, he knew that voice. It was the one that helped him cope, told him to be brave as he faced his worst nightmares. “I’m almost home, I’m sorry the flight was delayed so much.” Michael explained quickly, and Gavin could almost hear the longing in his voice.

Gavin swallowed, instantly regretting the marks covering his arm. “Alright,” was all he could manage to get out. If Michael saw him like this, they were over, and Gavin knew it. Who would ever want a self-harming loser? No one.

The line was quiet for a few moments, until he could hear Michael’s voice again. “Gavin are you alright? You sound upset.” Gavin swallowed roughly, trying to wet his already dry mouth.

“Yeah, be home soon.” Was all he could manage before ending the call. Gavin quickly rummaged through the cupboards in the bathroom, looking for bandages, preferably thick ones, to hide the marks on his skin. It wasn’t too hard to find the cottony bandages he’d used time and time again. He quickly wrapped them over the bloody marks, hissing a bit when the cotton pressed into his skin.

Wiping up the blood, he exited the bathroom hastily, needing to grab a sweatshirt from his room.

He heard the front door open just as he grabbed the fabric of his hoodie.

“Gavin!” Michael called, undoubtedly searching for him. Gavin slid the hoodie on quickly, successfully hiding the marks. He was safe for tonight.

Michael poked his head into the room, and all Gavin wanted to do was hug him, hold him, and never let go. But he couldn’t, not with the threat of him seeing his fresh cuts. “Hey Michael, I think I’m just going to head to bed.” He excused himself, flicking off the lights, and shooing Michael downstairs.

Gavin didn’t fall asleep, and felt his boyfriend slip into bed with him later on. It was hard to fall asleep with the sadness was still lingering, fresh on your mind. Waiting.

 

* * *

It had been two weeks since the razor had been brought against his skin, and since then, more and more littered his arms. He couldn’t stop. But the more he cut, the more the sadness constricted him, hardly allowing him to move, and what’s worse, Michael was beginning to notice.

At first, Michael would only ask him if he was alright, and maybe kiss him on the cheek, reassuring it was going to be alright. But was it really?

Gavin couldn’t put Michael through this, he couldn’t and wouldn’t make Michael have to live with a depressed boyfriend.

So after tonight, the problem of sadness would be no more.

Gavin was going to kill himself.

The boy had found himself on the bathroom floor again, pills in hand, note scrawled over a piece of paper, telling his Michael not to worry. He was going someplace better, someplace happier.

He clenched the pills tightly in hand, eyes burning. His Michael, the one that had truly loved him. He was leaving him behind. Warm tears spilled down his cheeks, leaving salty remains behind.

He would miss Michael, more than anything, but this still had to be done. Lifting a white pill to his mouth, he let it rest against his lip. Tears were clouding his vision, and he knew that’s what he would see. The clouds of sadness before he slipped away.

But Gavin couldn’t bring himself to swallow the circular pill. Gavin let it fall to the tiles, allowing the rest of them to fall as well, spilling across the floor. Tears began rolling down Gavin’s cheeks yet again, causing the sadness in him to swell and grow, and Gavin still couldn’t do it.

_Weak_

The anxiety began to speak, the words bubbling in his ears.

_Selfish_

His mind took these words, forming them into thoughts. Thoughts of his own.

_Worthless_

His heart dropped, because he knew it was true.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is scarred, emotionally and physically, and he cannot stand the weight of either of them much longer.

The only sanctuary Gavin found in his home, was under the warm covers of their bed, where Michael would hold him tightly, steadying Gavin enough for him to slip off into unconsciousness.

Gavin would always look forward to this; it stilled the monsters in his mind, and made him feel… Safe.

Most nights it was like this, but there were some nights when even Michael couldn’t silence the anxiety in his mind. No matter how much he needed Michael’s grip during these times, sometimes it wasn’t enough.

Sometimes Gavin longed for his razor again, so he could cut the anxiety free, if only for a day or so.

Anxiety is like the monster in your closet, only becoming a threat when you open and the doors and listen to it. The more you listen, the stronger the monster becomes, until he looms over you. At this point, your anxiety becomes your shadow, sewn so closely to you, it becomes an everyday part of life, trying to cope.

Gavin’s monster in particular, would hide inside of his head, whispering things in his ear. The Brit was growing sick and tired; he couldn’t listen to the voice any longer. It fed him lies, and he knew this, but more he listened, the more they seemed to be horrifying truths.

So when Michael was ready for bed, Gavin would tag along behind him, and wait for Michael’s arms to fend off his monster.

* * *

 Michael was playing video games in their living room, Gavin could hear him faintly through the closed bathroom door. Having fun and screaming at other idiot players, but not even that could bring a smile to Gavin’s face.

Gavin was staring at himself in the mirror, looking at the dark circles under his eyes, to the uneven scruff across his jaw line and chin. And hating every single bit of it.

_Who could love someone like you?_

His anxiety clawed at him, breathing down his neck and circling into his ear.

 _Someone who looks like you,_ it whispered, and he felt it wrap around his waist, squeezing him until he couldn’t breathe. He met his eyes in the mirror, unblinking. The monster was wrong, Gavin thought, attempting to wiggle free.

 _Someone who thinks like you_ , its grip tightened, and Gavin had to reach out and steady himself against the sink. His breathing came in quick gasps, unable to get enough air against the new restraints against his chest. He needed to free himself; he needed to cut the monster out of him. The monster was wrong.

Gavin rummaged through the cupboards, allowing random pill bottles to fall to the ground as he searched. _You’re pathetic. You can’t even handle a panic attack_ , the monster chuckled, and Gavin finally gripped the razor in his hand. The monster was wrong.

Clutching it tightly, he wasted no time in digging it into his skin, cutting a hole large enough for the monster to fly free, if only for a bit. The crimson liquid seeped down his arm, and he felt the grip around his chest vanish in a few moments. _You think someone could love someone who cuts their fears away? You’re wrong_ , was the final whisper.

Gavin let the razor fall, clattering against the tiles again, spraying his blood. The monster was right. Michael didn’t love him; it was all a play in his mind, a wicked devil’s trick. And he’d believed it, blinded by a love that wasn’t even real. “No,” Gavin whispered, falling to his knees. “Michael is the only thing I have left in this world.” He whispered again, tears forming in his eyes.

'How stupid could I be, of course Michael hates me,' Gavin thinks, and clutches the side of his head. “Get out of my head!” Gavin almost shouts, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Michael cares about me, he- he wouldn’t leave me.” He cries, bringing both hands up to the sides of his head, and leaning his forehead between his knees. His chest heaved as he gulped in air, it seemed the more he took, the less he had. Hot salty tears were streaming down his face, soaking his jeans.

“Gavin?” Michael’s voice called from the other side of the door. He sounded worried, and Gavin just wanted to hide deeper in his blood-stained hoodie. “Gav, please. I’m worried.” Michael pleaded, and Gavin felt another fresh set of tears push their way through his eyes.

Gavin swallowed, lifting his head up a little. “Michael, please go away.” His voice cracked, and he swore the anxiety was eating him alive, scooping up everything and leaving fear. The door creaked open, and Gavin didn’t need to look up to know who was standing above him.

'This is it, I’ve lost Michael.' Gavin let another sob shack his body.

“Oh Gav,” Michael whispered, kneeling down next to his boyfriend. He reached out, resting a hand on the others back, and began to rub circles. Gavin adjusted immediately, falling to the side, leaning into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Michael wrapped his arm around him, still rubbing circles on his back. “Shhh, Gav I’m here.”

They stayed like this for a few moments, comforting each other, until Gavin’s cries were reduced to a few sniffles, and Michael was sure he’d be alright. Michael pulled Gavin on top of his lap, positioning them so that Michael could swing his arms across Gavin’s neck loosely, just enough to steady the both of them. “Gav bud, what’s wrong?” He asked, looking Gavin in the eyes. Gavin felt a shudder; he hadn’t expected so much… forgiveness in Michael’s brown eyes.

Gavin sighed, leaning forwards into the crook of Michael’s neck. “I just, I just get sad sometimes Michael.” He mumbled, reaching his hands up behind Michael to grip his shirt between his fingers. “I don’t really have a reason.” He squeaked. Gavin pulled back, looking at Michael, who was frowning slightly.

“Are you sure it wasn’t me? I mean, I do say a lot of shitty stuff, but I never mean any of it.” Gavin interrupted him.

“No no! Michael, none of this is because of you.” He swallowed, still shaking from fear. “I was scared to tell you, that’s all.” Gavin let out a small hiccup, aftershocks of his crying probably. “I guess I was scared you’d leave me.”

“Leave you? When you need me the most?” He paused, a small smile playing its way onto his lips. “What kind of boyfriend would that make me then?” Gavin was looking him in the eyes again, and Michael could only look back. “Gav, I swear we’re going to make you better, alright?” Michael looked determined, his eyebrows furrowing in only a way that he could manage.

Gavin allowed a small smile to fall into his lips, “Really?” He asked, part of him hopeful that Michael would finally be able to rid him of his monster. But another part highly doubted it.

Michael leaned forwards, pecking Gavin’s lips softly, and pulling away almost immediately.

_"Really"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooo much for reading! My tumblr is mavin-mania <3


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